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Sunday, 04 January 2009

Self discipline

I was an excellent student. I graduated cum laude and I'm proud of it. I spent hours upon hours doing my class reading, working on homework assignments, or writing papers. Not surprising after years of practice I had the whole thing down to an art form. I had an awesome amount of self discipline and will power when it came to school. My work ethic was the envy of many of my roommates over the years. Honestly, I can probably count on one hand how many projects/papers I procrastinated on during my four years at college. I just knew how to buckle down and get work done.

Yet I was never quite able to channel that efficiency towards personal growth.

New Years always brings about a feeling for change. A new beginning. You're supposed to pick out "x" number of character flaws (or addictions) that you want to change and list them out as motivation to make the new year better than the previous. I won't deny it, I'm a sucker for the idea of new beginnings and change. Unfortunately I can't even count how many years I have made promises that I will stop "x" this year and then two weeks in I mess up. It's depressing.

Why is my motivation only outward-centered? Why do I work so hard to impress other people, yet not seem to care about the way God sees me? Why can't I motivate myself to do the hard work on myself?

I just wish I could figure out why motivation and self discipline are so temperamental. I just wish I knew how to tap into it.

Tuesday, 30 December 2008

Personality Profile Tests

I love taking those online quizzes that tell you all about your personality type and such. I can't even count all the time I have spent online taking those kinds of things. To me they're kind of like horoscopes, really interesting to find out about, but usually only partly true (or so generic that it could be true for anyone). None the less, I can't help myself.
Today however I had to take one for work (thankfully it was for the job I love and not the one I just survive). Actually there were 2 of them that I was supposed to take and I have been putting them off for a couple of weeks now. I have built them up so much that I was seriously afraid to take them and put the "wrong" answers down. This of course is silly because there aren't any wrong answers, but I was afraid to pigeonhole myself into a box that I don't really fit into (or don't want to fit into). I guess I'm afraid to answer and find out that I'm not what I want to be... especially since the test is for my church, where I see my career.
I gritted my teeth and took the first one today and sweated through several sets of questions, sure that I was going to make a mistake and that it would skew all of my results. I printed those results out afterwards and started reading them (yikes, 23 pages of boring) and found that just like my prior experiences, they fall in the category of horoscopes. Partly correct and partly not.
This of course made me think about how multifaceted I am. Did I really expect a personality test to completely define me? If I did, then I was delusional. I've put too much emphasis on these dumb tests.... how much can a 28 question test tell me about myself anyways?
Unfortunately I still have one more assessment to go. I wish I hadn't left them for so long, perhaps then I wouldn't have built them up in my mind so much. I wish I didn't worry about what the results said about me; I wish I could fully grasp how incomplete these tests are and how they aren't the end-all in defining me. Yet I do, and I continue to worry.
I have this preconceived notion of what I am to be/where I am headed.... I'm just so afraid that the test is going to shatter that to pieces.

Friday, 26 December 2008

The art of complaining

Complaining is an area where I really struggle. Honestly though, most people I know whine and complain. I can only think of a small handful of people who strive to live positively. It is interesting though because their testimony and impact is so much better because of it. I would love to be a person who didn't complain about everything, but that is obviously easier said than done.
We live in a culture where ranting, raving, whining, complaining, and speaking your mind are normal and encouraged. If you don't you'll probably get taken advantage of or walked right over. Additionally I have even found that it is easier to bond with people (friends) while having a joint rant session about someone/something else. How sad is that?
I've recently started reading this book, a book that I knew I wanted to read last spring when I heard about it. I have only read the first chapter of it, but it was talking about a woman who refused to complain about anything, even the weather. The concept, while not foreign to me, seems so extreme. My immediate reaction was disbelief, but the more I allowed myself to soak it in, it sounded so awesome, yet so elusive.
My parents watch Survivor, religiously. I catch it with them occasionally and am always struck by how backstabbing the contestants are. Sometimes I feel like one of those contestants when I'm at work with my non-Christian co-workers. Who have I talked about and to whom? I get caught in those webs all the time. It would be so freeing not to have to worry about getting caught complaining/talking poorly about someone (or something they did) by that person; or worse yet, having another co-worker relay the mean message to that person directly.
Unfortunately, the task itself seems to daunting that I put the book down and told myself that I would come back to it when I had more time to devote to it. I think it's just fear that is holding me back though. I don't know where to start, I'm terrified to fail, and I'm afraid of losing co-worker friends because of it. Obviously those are lame reasons not to do something, I know that.
I know it's time to step up and make some changes. I just wonder if I can do it.
Have you ever tried to stop complaining? Do you have any helpful hints that worked for you?
today

Finally I am able to drive my own car to work. No more chauffeur rides from my dad. Yes, it's cute that he was willing to drive me to work (and concerned about my safety to the point of insisting that he drive me), and it was actually a bonus because there were several days where my '98 ford taurus wasn't going to cut it in the snow and therefore I would have had to call in sick, but it's also a little weird. I mean, I'm 23 years old. It was weird having my dad drop me off and pick me up from work. Perhaps that isn't weird to anyone else but me. Honestly, I'm just thankful that the weather turned warmer and the snow storms dissipated. I guess I just took the freedom to go anywhere I need, anytime I need for granted (again). Sure is nice to have it back though.
To make today even better, my brother is coming back from El Salvador tonight. He changed his plans (again) and will now be able to spend a couple of days at home with us before he has to head back to school. This of course meant that my family postponed "Christmas" until tomorrow morning when everyone is together. I suppose that is what is making this week oh-so-weird. Never mind the freak snow storms and crazy work schedules.
I've never done well with the "unexpected/unpredictable"; guess God's way of helping me work on it.

Monday, 22 December 2008

brother

My brother called tonight. He's in El Salvador right now doing water purification and transportation stuff with his college's branch of Engineers without Borders (EWB). It's cool for him, this is his second trip doing this. He loves to travel; I think he stole all the "traveler" genes in my family.

Unfortunately he called tonight to tell us that he's staying longer. We were going to postpone Christmas for a few days because he wasn't going to get back until right after, but now he's not even going to be back for the first week of winter term.

I don't know why it hit me so hard, it's only an extra like 13 days, but it did. Perhaps just the reality of it all set in. This is his life, this is what he wants to do. Grad school, peace corps, traveling in third-world countries, that's his future. He wouldn't be happy sitting around at home.

I guess it's selfish of me to want him around more. Things will just never be the same.